Two years. Somehow it’s been two whole years since you were taken from this world (fuck you cancer), and I’m still trying to make sense of the fact that the world keeps spinning without you in it. Some days it feels like yesterday; other days it feels like a lifetime ago.

Grief has been a weird ride. Year one was like being thrown into the ocean with no life jacket—lots of flailing, lots of ugly crying, and way too many “how the hell do I do this without you?” moments. Year two hasn’t been easier, just… different. Like carrying around an invisible backpack that no one else can see, but I can always feel the weight of.

But today, instead of just drowning in the sad stuff, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for being the best kind of friend—the one who could make me laugh so hard I cried, and then immediately turn around and give me the worst, most sarcastic pep talk imaginable. (“You’ll be fine. Don’t screw it up.” Inspiring.) Thank you for always knowing when I needed to be called out on my nonsense, and when I just needed someone to sit in silence with me.

Thank you for your terrible music choices, which I pretended to hate but secretly miss. Thank you for all the inside jokes that no one else gets but still make me smile like an idiot. Thank you for showing me what a real friendship looks like—the kind that doesn’t disappear when things get hard, the kind that leaves a permanent mark even after someone is gone.

I miss you every single day. Sometimes I laugh at the dumbest memories and think, “Man, I wish he were here to see this.” Other times, I feel that ache in my chest that reminds me of just how much losing you sucks. But underneath it all, I’m grateful. Because as much as it hurts to not have you here, I wouldn’t trade the years of friendship we had for anything.

So, here’s to you, my good friend, my fellow pizza lover, my sarcastic but big hearted protector. Two years gone, but never forgotten. You gave me the gift of a friendship so solid it still carries me through even when you’re not here. That’s how I know you’ll always be with me—whether I like it or not.

And if you’re listening somewhere up there… thanks, idiot. You really were the best.